Review: Scream Queens-“Pilot” and “Hell Week”

If I were writing this review in 1995 (when the flashback of the series’ opening scene is set), I might be pretty excited about Scream Queens. After all, it’s a snarky, satirical look at the sorority life mixed with a little serial killing (courtesy of the Red Devil).

The only problem is that it’s 2015 and everything about this series has been done much better over the past 25 years, beginning with the horror film classic, Scream, and continuing all the way through the modern day with the TV anthology series American Horror Story (at least the spectacular first season anyway). There is literally no new ground Scream Queens breaks and that’s kind of disappointing when you consider the talent behind the show.

Scream Queens is the latest series courtesy of Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk, and Ian Brennan, the forces behind such popular shows as Nip/Tuck, Glee, and the aforementioned American Horror Story. Like their previous offerings, they populate Scream Queens with a pretty solid cast including Lea Michele (Glee), Emma Roberts (American Horror Story: Coven and Freak Show), Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine) and a host of other talent comprised of both up and comers and veteran actors. Their biggest coup was scoring the original “scream queen” Jamie Lee Curtis (Halloween) as Dean Munsch, whose main goal is to close the sorority (or at least be a thorn in their side).

When I heard Bat For Lashes “What’s A Girl To Do” over the opening scene, I was pretty excited because it’s a terrific, woefully underplayed song (with a pretty eerie video to boot). Even the first few minutes provide an interesting hook–a sorority girl gives birth in a tub while her sisters abandon her to go back to their party and jam while chasing Waterfalls. When they return, the baby is alive but their sister has bled out and died.

Scream Queens then switches gears to modern day where Chanel (Emma Roberts) abuses her closest sorority sisters while bashing heads (figuratively, not literally…yet, anyway) with Curtis’ Dean Munsch. Toss in a slew of pledges, some egotistical frat boys, the new girl Grace (Skyler Samuels) and her overprotective father (Oliver Hudson), and the “nice guy” barista/school paper editor (Diego Boneta) looking to dig up dirt on the sorority, and you’ve got a pretty large cast of characters to service in an hour long show. The good news is that a majority of these characters have a lot to do.

The bad news is that it’s been done before.

As “Hell Week” began, my wife asked me how many episodes Scream Queens has overall.

“Too many”, I replied.

Save for some interesting scenes (the killing while texting was mildly humorous), Scream Queens seems mired in a past that has long since vanished (oddly enhanced by an 80’s soundtrack). I can see where all involved are approaching it with a “tongue in cheek” attitude and that’s definitely the way to go with a series like this. However, there’s nothing of any substance here to keep viewers (at least this one) entertained on a weekly basis. To think that this show has enough steam to make it to a half dozen episodes is wishful thinking, but it’s slated to have more than double that!

Because Scream Queens borrows from every trope in the book and fails to truly put an interesting spin on them, these queens amount to little more than peasants eking out a hoarse whisper.

Scream Queens grade: D

Review: The Children (1980)

“She’s always lurking around the house.”

I’m not sure if the parenting skills of the adults in The Children were representative of the late 1970s, but none of these people seemed to give two shits about their kids. Perhaps I missed something, because I was just slightly older than most of the titular characters when I first saw this and I don’t recall my family treating me as if I were little more than an annoyance.

Then again, I also viewed The Children through somewhat rose colored glasses, so I could be wrong.

Until I watched it again the other night, it had been over 30 years since I last saw The Children. I didn’t get to see the theatrical release way back when; instead, I happened to catch it courtesy of WOR-TV’s programming as a Saturday matinee.  I remembered it as being a bit on the eerie side but I was slightly more innocent and impressionable, though not as much as the kids in this clip.

As a brief side note, I really miss trailers like that. They were quick, told you all you needed to know and that was it. And the voiceovers were always somewhat creepy. It could have been the worst movie in the world but words uttered by that voice (was it Don LaFontaine?) would really make you want to see it.

Anyway, the premise is pretty simple: kids on a school bus pass through a toxic cloud and become zombie-like creatures who horribly burn and kill anything they touch…mostly their idiot parents. Then, of course, a few of the adults get wise (though it does take them a long time) and set out to destroy the kids. That’s the tale in a nutshell.

The Children is in no way as fun as my memory served, but it is an entertaining little low budget film with some decent makeup work and scary images of the kids stalking the adults. The film was reissued in 2005 and distributed on DVD by Troma Entertainment (responsible for gems like The Toxic Avenger, Class of Nuke ‘Em High and many more). To be honest, though the film is digitally transferred from one of the remaining prints, it still retains the scratches and jump cuts, looking like a typical low budget “grindhouse” film. Most viewers might find that offputting, but I think it’s endearing. By not cleaning it up and transferring it warts and all, it enables people to see it the way it was meant to be seen.

My wife had a lot of questions about why certain things happened or didn’t. Why did the kids turn evil? What was the deal with the girl playing the piano (they drew attention to her then she reappeared later, albeit briefly)? Did anyone work in this town? Why didn’t the cloud affect adults and only kids?

I told her that it’s The Children and it’s best not to think about it. Just sit back and enjoy the ridiculousness of it all, to relish the days when movies made no sense and you appreciated them for the sheer goofiness films like The Children had to offer. I almost wish the movie would have found new life via something like RiffTrax or local midnight movie viewings. Until then, I’ll have to pass on my copy to keep the story and the spark alive.

The Children grade: C+

Review: Bloodsucking Bastards (2015)

Evan Sanders (Fran Kranz, The Cabin in the Woods, Dollhouse) is in a dead end job. He’s “acting” sales manager and in line for a promotion to supervise a group of unmotivated telemarketers. Evan’s also in dutch with Mandy (Emma Fitzpatrick, The Social Network), who’s not only the head of Human Resources, but also his girlfriend…and someone he’s just pissed off in a rather awkward, intimate moment.

Just when he thinks things are going to turn in his favor, Evan is passed over for the promotion in favor of his old college nemesis, Max (Pedro Pascal, Game of Thrones). Armed with a vibrant attitude and a confident swagger, Max has plans to turn the company around by turning employees into vampires. Will Max let Evan stake a claim in the ranks of the new corporate order or will Evan face a new method of termination?

Let’s face it, there are many of us who can identify with Evan’s plight. Hell, I’ve had my share of soul sucking jobs, complete with promises of climbing the corporate ladder only to find that you have to trade your life to get ahead. That’s what makes the premise of Bloodsucking Bastards so enticing. Who among us would really be surprised to find out our bosses and go-getting co-workers were lifeless bloodsuckers?

Distributed by Scream Factory and Shout! Factory (who both put out some amazing films and TV shows on DVD and Blu-Ray), Bloodsucking Bastards borrows from countless workplace films including Office Space and Glengarry Glen Ross as well as numerous vampire movies. Not that that’s a bad thing, though, because some great dialogue (courtesy of Dr. God and Ryan Mitts) and exuberant performances (from Kranz, Pascal, Fitzpatrick, Joey Kern and the entire cast, really) intermingle to make Bloodsucking Bastards a real pleasure.

Director Brian James O’Connell keeps things moving briskly while tossing in plenty of gore and comedy. His style is reminiscent of Edgar Wright in that he frames scenes in a manner that, when repeated later in the film, are viewed in a new light to heighten both the humor and horror. If there’s any issue I had with the film’s direction, it’s that many scenes felt claustrophobic as if O’Connell was reluctant to open up the action. There are too many instances where we’re treated to either close ups, medium shots, or bust shots rather than a larger scope of the surroundings. However, that could have been due to budget constraints which is understandable considering the talent they were able to attract (i.e. name actors cost money).

Overall, I’d recommend Bloodsucking Bastards to both comedy and horror fans alike. What first drew me in was the fact that Kranz was the lead (as he’s great in just about anything) and Scream Factory and Shout! Factory were involved in the film’s distribution. I didn’t expect to get as much out of it as I did, however, and that’s always a plus in my book. Bloodsucking Bastards firmly understands that characters (albeit somewhat stereotypical in this case) are what elevate a story above a clever gimmick.

If you enjoy films in the vein of Shaun of the Dead, Army of Darkness, or even Office Space, then you’ll drink up the savory treats Bloodsucking Bastards has to offer!

Bloodsucking Bastards grade: B+