Review: The House by the Cemetery (1981)

Just look at that poster. It promises all kinds of mayhem! Obviously, there’s an old house (and, based on the title of this site, you KNOW how much I love haunted house films), maybe a storm, but definitely…DEFINITELY a knife wielding maniac. Perhaps even a promise of the dead rising from said cemetery.

Turns out, the poster is the best thing about The House by the Cemetery.

The threadbare plot takes a husband, wife and their son to Oak Mansion, better known as the “Freudstein” house, the site of murders and suicide. The family soon discovers that something evil lurks in the basement, bent on destroying everything in its path.

When I noticed The House by the Cemetery was directed by Lucio Fulci, I knew I was going to be massively disappointed. Years ago, I caught The Beyond, the second film in what’s considered Fulci’s “gates of hell” trilogy, and, while I thought it was interesting at best, couldn’t imagine why its cult status is elevated as high as it is.

The same goes for this film. It’s more or less an incomprehensible mess with some decent gory kills thrown in for good measure. It’s poorly edited and the script is kind of all over the place with plot holes galore.

I often wonder what my reaction to The House by the Cemetery would have been had I seen it upon release (or at least on VHS several years later). Would I have enjoyed it as I did something like Phantasm (which has a very dreamlike quality about it) or even the original Friday the 13th (which shares a similar slasher nature)? It’s possible but I doubt it. It’s more like the type of movie my friends and I would have poked fun at in the style of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

There are a lot of Fulci fans out there based on some of the things I’ve read over the years, but I just don’t find his style to my liking. Not everything is meant for everyone and films like The House by the Cemetery just aren’t for me.

The House by the Cemetery grade: D

Review: Phase IV (1974)

I’d first become familiar with Phase IV in the late 70s, a time when I would get my hands on anything remotely related to science fiction and horror films as my love of both genres began to kick into high gear. The film had been mentioned in a paperback focusing on sci-fi films and, with its “nature strikes back” premise of ants gaining intelligence, Phase IV seemed like something I would really enjoy. And, considering it was the only major film directed by Saul Bass (the man responsible for the most memorable opening title sequences in movie history with credits such as Psycho, North By Northwest, West Side Story and GoodFellas to his name), I was even more excited to see it. So, when it came on Turner Classic Movies several weeks ago, I knew I had to record it.

Turns out, Phase IV isn’t quite the classic I’d hoped for all these years.

Starring Nigel Davenport (A Man For All Seasons, Chariots of Fire), Michael Murphy (Cloak & Dagger, Manhattan) and Lynne Frederick (Voyage of the Damned, Schizo), Phase IV is a plodding film about ants developing a hive like mind thanks to some briefly mentioned “cosmic event”. Davenport and Murphy portray scientists who first seek to discover exactly what the ants are up to until finally attempting to destroy them before they overrun humanity. Frederick is the lone survivor of a local family who takes refuge with the two as the threat around them grows.

Had I seen Phase IV when I was younger, I might have had a better appreciation for it but I highly doubt it. Sure, it’s got some interesting imagery thanks to Bass’s influence, but it’s very slow and disjointed. Not much happens in its 84 minute running time, so even if you like movies with a slow burn, you’ll probably be as disappointed as I was. I get what message the film was trying to deliver (that the ants are preparing humanity for some future evolutionary development) but it’s a bit too trippy to do it successfully–especially if you watch the original ending.

Now that Phase IV became the latest in a string of duds I’ve endured over the last few months, it’s becoming more and more apparent that I should eschew a lot of these older films in lieu of…I don’t know…anything else. I truly love discovering old films regardless of whether they’re good, bad, “cult” classics or whatever but, as I get older, I have less time to devote to watching everything and therefore, have to be a little more discerning in my selections.

Phase IV grade: D+

Review: Night Train To Terror (1985)

There are two possible ways I might have enjoyed Night Train To Terror: if I had seen it with my high school friends back when it was released or if I was high as a kite right now.

Neither is the case.

As with The Haunted Dollhouse, the people behind Night Train To Terror took highly edited fragments of other films and used a wraparound story to “link” them. Oh, they also added in some terrible 80s music and dancing just for the hell of it (I’m absolutely certain some coked up wanna be “film” producers thought it would be an added selling point).

There was a time when I would have devoted more space to trash like this, but since the filmmakers didn’t give two shits, neither do I. Night Train To Terror is pure excrement.

Go ahead, watch it for yourself below. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I made it to 50 minutes. I guarantee you that you probably won’t make it beyond 10. I applaud you if you decide to turn it off immediately after the end of the train whistle and go live your life.

Night Train To Terror rating: F

 

Review: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

From the land of the original Santa Claus comes the Finnish film Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale which tells a very warped version of the Santa mythology.

When children and household items begin vanishing, locals suspect that an excavation team high upon the mountain is responsible. After dozens of reindeer are mutilated, the locals, who depend upon the animals for meat and money, are determined to have a little chat with the crew who have also disappeared. Instead, the locals discover a terrible horror being unearthed that will change what we all know about Santa’s true nature.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is a short, fun little film that’s decent late night viewing around the holidays. Is it a good film, though? Well, it’s ok. It kept me entertained, mostly during the second half where the majority of the action takes place. It’s a bit sluggish until the local men get to the top of the mountain and find out the secret behind the beloved Christmas myth of Santa.

I can’t say that, as a horror film, Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is successful on every level, but at a running time of less than an hour and a half, it’s worth checking out. It’s relatively well directed and acted and there’s some offbeat humor throughout that will elicit a few laughs (especially at the ending which is a nod to the film’s title).

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale grade: B-

Review: From A Whisper To A Scream (1987)

Also known as The Offspring, From a Whisper to a Scream stars horror vet Vincent Price (Theater of Blood, The Abominable Dr. Phibes) as Julian White, an historian who tells a reporter (Susan Tyrell) stories about the diabolical evil that permeates the small town of Oldfield, Tennessee. The film is presented in an anthology style with each tale set at different times in the town’s history and loosely connected by Price’s wraparound segment.

In the present day, Stanley Burnside (Clu Gulager, Feast, The Return of the Living Dead) has unrequited love for co-worker Grace that leads to murder…and the unexpected consequence of a bizarre tryst.

In the 1950s, small time crook Jesse Hardwick (Terry Kiser, Weekend at Bernie’s) is wounded and on the run from gangsters when he encounters a man who harbors a rather odd secret that Hardwick wants to share. Hardwick learns the reality of the old adage, “Be careful what you wish for.”

When a local girl falls in love with a glass eating carnival performer in the 1930s, she draws the ire of the Snakewoman (Rosalind Cash, The Omega Man) who gave the eater his “powers” and doesn’t want the act split up.

Finally, a Civil War Union regimen encounters a group of war orphaned children living alone in a farmhouse. They soon find out what gruesome fate they’re resigned to when they discover the kids are a little more adult in nature than they appear.

To my surprise, From a Whisper to a Scream exceeded my expectations as I went in thinking it was going to be just another 1980s low budget exercise in horror. However, it turned out to be a competent anthology and, while it doesn’t quite reach the level of quality of Creepshow or V/H/S 2, it’s not bad. The stories are all solid, if somewhat unspectacular, with some decent performances, average gore, and interesting twists.

There are far better anthologies out there than From a Whisper to a Scream, but there are a lot worse, too. While it doesn’t totally deliver on the scares, it’s a fun movie that’s great viewing on a rainy afternoon. If you go in prepared for nothing more than a pleasant little diversion, you’ll have a good time.

From a Whisper to a Scream grade: B-

Review: The Visitor (1979)

“Now listen to me Katie. Isn’t there something you want to tell me?” – Detective Jake Durham

“Yeah. Go fuck yourself!” – Katie Collins

Perhaps it’s this piece of dialogue that best represents the assumed dynamic between filmmaker and audience (with the latter being the detective and the former being Katie) because The Visitor is probably the most spectacular mess of a movie ever made and any attempt to make sense of it is futile.

The basic plot of The Visitor seems to revolve around the battle between good and evil with the soul of Katie Collins (the wonderful Paige Conner) hanging in the balance. I guess. I think Jerzy Colsowicz (John Huston) is some sort of alien/angel sent to draw her to the side of good but he does little more than skulk about and hold his hands on his hips throughout most of the film.

It also takes him an inordinate amount of time to descend a small staircase.

Had The Visitor been released earlier in the 70s, it would have most likely joined the ranks of famous “midnight movies” like The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Night of the Living Dead, Eraserhead and El Topo (the latter of which appears to have had the most influence on this film because that, too, was an incomprehensible mess). For some reason, however, The Visitor eluded that kind of success/notoriety and largely vanished for over 30 years.

It’s difficult to believe that a film as terrible as this would have drawn such an all star cast. Legendary directors such as Huston and Sam Peckinpah joined Hollywood vets (Mel Ferrer, Glenn Ford, Shelley Winters) and newcomers (Lance Henriksen) to try to inject some life into this dud, but even they can’t save it.

In one scene, housekeeper Jane Phillips (Shelley Winters, apparently working on the side of good) returns to the Collins home and assures Katie’s mother, Barbara (Joanne Nail), that she is there to protect her and won’t allow her to be harmed again.

Moments after the words come out of her mouth, the evil Katie whisks her mother away in her wheelchair and propels her through the aquarium. Nice job, Jane.

This lack of logic and sensibility is pretty much indicative of everything that transpires before and after this moment, making the film perfect fodder for something like Mystery Science Theater 3000 to pick apart (which, for some reason, they never did; I may have enjoyed the film a great deal more if that were the case).

I’d never seen (nor even heard of) The Visitor until recently, simply because it had disappeared from the public view. I almost wish it had remained that way.

The Visitor grade: D-

My Top 10 Horror Films

I honestly can’t say that I have one specific “favorite” horror film. Ask me on any given day and my answer will change because there are just far too many great ones from which to choose. That’s why it’s difficult to even pare it down to the ten below because I’m leaving off so many other classics (and non-classics that I just enjoy like 1999’s House on Haunted Hill and 2003’s Dead End).

What are the criteria I used to arrive at my top 10? Basically, I chose the ones that I’ll watch over and over again that scared the bejesus out of me when I first saw them (and, to be honest, a few still do). I also selected films that I feel are primarily horrific in nature and any other elements of the story are secondary (Aliens and Jaws are fantastic films but I see them as more action movies with strong horror elements underneath, so while they would be on a longer list, they don’t make the cut for the top ten).

Without further adieu, here are my top 10 in alphabetical order with a very brief description as to why:

Alien (1979)

The ultimate haunted house movie! After encountering a derelict spacecraft on an alien planet, the crew of the Nostromo find themselves being hunted one by one by a creature determined to kill them all. Sure, you can argue this is primarily science-fiction (and I wouldn’t necessarily disagree), but Alien is one terrifying horror movie from beginning to end.

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

I’ve already written about how much I love this film here. For me, it was the granddaddy of zombie movies because it’s the one I saw first. Tons followed but this is and always will be my favorite!

Halloween (1978)

Come on, how could this not be on anyone’s list? It’s the name of the holiday for God’s sake! Arguably the best slasher movie ever (though Black Christmas is a close second), the original Halloween still remains terrifying thanks to its slow build and creepy atmosphere. Before Michael Myers became an unstoppable supernatural juggernaut in later insallments, he was still merely a psycho bent on finishing the job he started 15 years before.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

The most terrifying thing is losing your humanity, your sense of self, and the remake of the 1956 science fiction classic really makes that idea a frightening reality. Taking it up a notch from the original, the 1978 version is filled with a horrifying sense of dread from beginning to end with a twist ending that still makes a viewer jump.

Phantasm (1979)

Dear lord, I almost soiled my pants the first time I saw this film. Filled with countless “WTF?” moments, Phantasm is like a nightmare you’ve had after combining several different spicy foods and downing it all with a beer milkshake. And it’s one hell of a fun ride! This is the type of movie that could only be made in the 70s and not be considered bizarre. The three (and soon to be four) sequels were fun but nothing beats the original.

Rosemary’s Baby (1968)

Who or what is trying to take Rosemary’s Baby? Is Rosemary Woodhouse slowly going out of her mind or is there a sinister plot by Satan worshipers to take her child away? One of the ultimate slow burns in the horror genre, this movie winds the viewer up tighter and tighter until the explosive ending. Still effective today thanks to a conspiracy plot and demonic overtones.

The Exorcist (1973)

Probably the only film that has made me physically ill (thanks to the spinal tap scene–I hate needles), The Exorcist is one of two films on my list (the other being Rosemary’s Baby) that is almost completely faithful to its source material. Both books the films were based upon are nearly identical to the final product and equally as terrifying. I prefer the original version over the “version you’ve never seen” mainly due to the fact that while you know damn well little Regan is possessed by the devil, there are times when you think she might be suffering from some psychotic disorder (the extended film features the unnecessary “spider walk” sequence that seems a bit over the top).

The Shining (1980)

I’m a huge Stephen King fan and I’m well aware that he despises the adaption, but this is one hell of a scary movie. Though Kubrick jettisons much of the source material, he injects the weirdest of images into The Shining (the twins in the hallway, the guy in a dog outfit bent over a man in a tux) that you can’t help but be creeped out. This movie makes me leery of being trapped with anyone in a snowstorm, haunted hotel notwithstanding.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

I first saw this right before going to see its 1986 sequel and it unnerved me. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre plays like a documentary and its disturbing tale of a cannibal family preying on unsuspecting travelers made my skin crawl (in a good way because I still went to see part 2 and enjoyed that as well). I never saw the remake because nothing can top the original.

The Thing (1982)

On most days, I’ll downright admit to this being my favorite for several reasons. First of all, like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, it deals with the idea of losing one’s humanity, of having emotion and feeling stripped away until you’re an empty, alien husk. Second of all, it’s set in a great location (similar to The Shining) where any notion of outside help is a futile one. Third, it has the elements of a great slasher film (like Halloween) where the characters are eliminated one by one. Finally, The Thing still has, hands down, the best special effects of any movie I’ve ever seen. Forget CGI. Watch this film if you want to see how real effects are supposed to look.

In the end, any list of anyone’s favorite “anything” is bound to be based solely on an individual taste and preference. Your list is undoubtedly different than mine and that’s okay. It’s obvious that the list above is based upon films that scared me when I was younger so more modern horror films didn’t make the cut. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy movies like 2005’s The Descent, 1935’s The Bride of Frankenstein, 1996’s Scream, 2013’s The Conjuring, or literally hundreds of others. I do and those would also be on an extended list.

But I only have room for ten. Hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

Happy Halloween!

Review: Creepshow (1982)

An homage to the old EC horror comics of the 1950s, Creepshow features five short, terrifying tales courtesy of director George Romero (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead), author Stephen King (IT, The Stand, ‘Salem’s Lot) and special effects master Tom Savini (Friday the 13th, Dawn of the Dead).

Creepshow‘s tagline, “The most fun you’ll ever have being scared” is pretty apt. Thanks to the seamless combination of dark humor and grisly, visceral horror, Creepshow is arguably the most complete horror anthology film ever made. From the beginning to the end of the disturbing wraparound tale that bookends the film (featuring Night of the Creeps‘ Tom Atkins as well as King’s son, Heart Shaped Box‘s author Joe Hill) and throughout each short, Creepshow doesn’t waste a single frame.

It’s truly difficult to single out any particular story as being the strongest (or weakest, for that matter) as each offers a frightfully terrific yarn to spin.

In “Father’s Day”, family patriarch Nathan Grantham, long dead and buried, returns from the grave to see if he can get a father’s day cake from his descendants which include Bedelia, his tormented daughter (and murderer).

“The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill” finds the titular backwoods simpleton (played by King) discovering a meteorite whose internal substance has a long lasting effect on his mental and physical state.

Leslie Nielsen (Airplane, Naked Gun) stars as a cuckolded husband who exacts revenge on his wife (Gaylen Ross, Dawn of the Dead) and her lover (Ted Danson, Cheers, Fargo) by burying them up to their necks in the beach’s sand, telling them that they have a slim chance of survival, only if they can hold their breath. In “Something to Tide You Over’, that’s just the beginning!

“The Crate” houses something long undiscovered under the stairs of a college building–and for good reason, because what’s inside poses problems (and maybe even some solutions) for college professors Fritz Weaver and Hal Holbrook.

Ruthless businessman and germophobe Upson Pratt has a special surprise awaiting him after berating employees and being responsible for a man’s death courtesy of some unwanted insects in “They’re Creeping Up On You”.

Though I didn’t grow up on the EC comics from the 1950s, I did love the similar offerings by DC Comics in the 1970s like House of Mystery and House of Secrets which also featured supernatural and horrific short stories. Combine my affinity for those comic books, the horror genre, and the creative force behind the film, and Creepshow was an immediate sell for me. I was even fortunate enough to attend the Pittsburgh premiere of the film at the old Showcase Cinemas East in Monroeville, PA, located a stone’s throw from the mall where Dawn of the Dead was shot. Though King wasn’t in attendance, I did get to meet both Savini and Romero, both of whom I’ve crossed paths with a few times over the last 30 years. They were and remain incredibly nice and gracious guys!

I still have the autograph over 30 years later.

It had been years since I saw Creepshow but it holds up better than ever, especially if you love some genuinely scary tales and the blackest of humor. I’m not sure why there’s never a lot of chatter about this film, particularly around Halloween, but those who love anthologies like Trick ‘R Treat, Tales of Halloween or the V/H/S films should check out Creepshow because they’ll be far from disappointed.

Creepshow grade: A+

Review: The Final Girls (2015)

Three years following the death of her mother, Amanda (Malin Akerman), Max (Taissa Farmiga) attends a screening of Camp Bloodbath, an 80s slasher film in which Amanda gained fame as a “scream queen”. Through a strange twist of fate, Max and her friends are pulled into the film and must use their wits and knowledge of the movie itself to survive the machete wielding maniac trying to kill them.

In less capable hands, The Final Girls could easily have been a nightmare–and not in a good way. However, writers M.A. Fortin and Joshua John Miller as well as director Todd Strauss-Schulson all obviously possess a love of both the horror genre and 1980s slasher films and that genuine affection shines through here in spades. The Final Girls is one of the most innovative horror films to come along since The Cabin in the Woods and is thoroughly entertaining from start to finish.

What the creators of the film have done is not easy to accomplish. They conjured up a sketchy premise (people get sucked into a film), added the well worn theme of characters’ knowledge of horror tropes to cheat death, and rounded out their film with a cast whose names and faces may be recognizable, but aren’t high on the marquee.

And it all works beautifully.

First and foremost, what makes The Final Girls a resounding success is that the characters seem real and believable, regardless of whether they’re in the film itself, or the film within a film (the aforementioned Camp Bloodbath). There’s an enormous amount of chemistry between all of the actors and, in terms of the talented cast, Farmiga (American Horror Story: Coven) and Akerman (Trophy Wife) are just the tip of the iceberg. Nina Dobrev (The Vampire Diaries), Adam Devine (Modern Family), and Alia Shawkat (Arrested Development) are just a few of the familiar faces whose performances are so nuanced that it lends the film a distinct credibility other actors might not have been adept enough to pull off.

Are there a few flaws in The Final Girls? Sure, especially toward the end of the film where it takes another twist that’s fun but lacks logic. The Final Girls makes no effort to explain this turn, but it doesn’t really need to. I know that I had no interest in any coherent reasoning behind the direction the story ended up taking because it was entertaining and generally fit within the world the movie had created.

I really hope The Final Girls gets the wide release it so richly deserves because it’s well worth your time. It has more than enough nostalgia for those who fondly remember those 80s slasher movies but enough character development and appeal as a heartwarming story for those who might not appreciate the genre.

Whatever you’re doing, drop it and go find The Final Girls right now. It’s in limited theatrical release as of this writing but you can get it on demand (as I did). You won’t be disappointed.

The Final Girls grade: A

Review: Tales of Halloween (2015)

Tales of Halloween is the latest attempt to replicate both the cult and financial success horror anthology films like V/H/S, V/H/S 2, and Trick ‘r Treat have had in recent years. With ten loosely connected tales helmed by different directors, the entirety of Tales of Halloween takes place on one night in a small American town.

Tales of Halloween is often more fun that frightening which is kind of a welcome change for a genre film. If you’re looking for an old fashioned urban legend story, “Sweet Tooth” is right up your alley. How about an unstoppable serial killer with an alien thrown in? “Friday the 31st” is for you! And if you always wondered what the devil was up to on Halloween, “The Night Billy Raised Hell” will provide some answers.

Like any anthology, the stories are a bit uneven with the best (“The Ransom of Rusty Rex” and “Friday the 31st”) offering a nice mixture of humor and horror and the least successful (“The Weak and the Wicked” and “Ding Dong”) leaving one wonder what could have been had they been a little more developed story-wise.

There’s something for everyone in these ten tales so if you love Halloween, Tales of Halloween is a highly entertaining love letter to both the holiday and the horror genre. Cameos from horror actors (Cabin Fever‘s Cerina Vincent, From Beyond‘s Barbara Crampton) and directors (John Landis and Mick Garris) abound with the best turns being offered by The Rocky Horror Picture Show‘s Barry Bostwick, The Mist‘s Sam Witwer, and Landis. And there’s not one flaw among the directorial styles, even if some of the tales failed to ignite any enthusiasm within individual segments (one in particular being the visually stunning but ultimately underwhelming “Ding Dong” by Lucky McKee).

Tales of Halloween is solid overall and a welcome entry into any annual Halloween movie marathon and I know that I’m eagerly anticipating a follow up. More Tales of Halloween, anyone?

Tales of Halloween grade: B+