Review: The House by the Cemetery (1981)

Just look at that poster. It promises all kinds of mayhem! Obviously, there’s an old house (and, based on the title of this site, you KNOW how much I love haunted house films), maybe a storm, but definitely…DEFINITELY a knife wielding maniac. Perhaps even a promise of the dead rising from said cemetery.

Turns out, the poster is the best thing about The House by the Cemetery.

The threadbare plot takes a husband, wife and their son to Oak Mansion, better known as the “Freudstein” house, the site of murders and suicide. The family soon discovers that something evil lurks in the basement, bent on destroying everything in its path.

When I noticed The House by the Cemetery was directed by Lucio Fulci, I knew I was going to be massively disappointed. Years ago, I caught The Beyond, the second film in what’s considered Fulci’s “gates of hell” trilogy, and, while I thought it was interesting at best, couldn’t imagine why its cult status is elevated as high as it is.

The same goes for this film. It’s more or less an incomprehensible mess with some decent gory kills thrown in for good measure. It’s poorly edited and the script is kind of all over the place with plot holes galore.

I often wonder what my reaction to The House by the Cemetery would have been had I seen it upon release (or at least on VHS several years later). Would I have enjoyed it as I did something like Phantasm (which has a very dreamlike quality about it) or even the original Friday the 13th (which shares a similar slasher nature)? It’s possible but I doubt it. It’s more like the type of movie my friends and I would have poked fun at in the style of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

There are a lot of Fulci fans out there based on some of the things I’ve read over the years, but I just don’t find his style to my liking. Not everything is meant for everyone and films like The House by the Cemetery just aren’t for me.

The House by the Cemetery grade: D

Review: It Follows (2014)

After a bizarre sexual encounter with her boyfriend, Jay (Maika Monroe) finds herself being stalked by a malevolent supernatural entity whose only goal is Jay’s death.

Written and directed by David Robert Mitchell, It Follows is one of the most unsettling and creepy modern day horror films. Eschewing heavy doses of blood and gore, the film wisely relies upon a slow burn and an ever building sense of dread to create suspense. Mitchell’s use of both foreground and background (as well as several 360 degree camera movements) keeps the viewer off kilter, leaving you to wonder from which direction the threat will next manifest itself. It’s an aesthetic choice that definitely works to the film’s advantage.

It Follows evokes the best parts of many other classic and cult horror films without directly copying them. The opening shot brings to mind the street in Haddonfield from Halloween. The languid and almost dreamlike state in which It Follows exists reminds you of films like Phantasm, Session 9, and The Innkeepers. That’s in no way a knock on the movie because it utilizes these elements to create a fresh story and set itself apart from what came before.

The lack of a discernible time period also works in the film’s favor. The children are watching old black and white movies on television and there’s not a cell phone in sight. It Follows works on many levels because it doesn’t utilize technology or any pop references that would ultimately date the film, thereby keeping it relevant and timeless for all generations.

It Follows is not without flaws, however, but they are minimal and perhaps just even my nitpicking on minor aspects of the story. More often than not, I couldn’t help wonder where all the parents were when their children were getting assaulted and even shot and, when they are seen, don’t seem concerned in the least. Also, the characters’ solution to destroying the entity is relatively arbitrary and comes out of left field.

But again, those are minor quibbles that barely detract from the overall effectiveness of the film. If you’re looking for something that will stay with you long after you’ve seen it, It Follows is just the type of movie that will burrow deep into your psyche and gnaw away at it for some time.

It Follows grade: B+

Review: Poltergeist (2015)

Several months prior to the release of the Poltergeist remake, my wife and I showed the original to our nieces. They were captivated and, at certain points, genuinely terrified of the film.

Which is a credit to the original’s power that it still is able to generate scares three decades after its release.

While they were excited to see the updated version, I had major reservations about it. Why take something that works and remake it? More often than not, updates of old films fail to capture what made the original versions special. Are there exceptions? Absolutely. 1982’s The Thing, 1986’s The Fly and even 2006’s The Hills Have Eyes are just a few examples of using the source material to make riveting films.

However, for every gem, you get a dud like 1998’s Psycho, 2006’s The Wicker Man and, from the same year, When A Stranger Calls (which, save for the original’s opening sequence, is not that great a film to begin with).

So how did 2015’s version of Poltergeist compare to the original?

It’s pretty appropriate that the remake of Poltergeist begins with the Bowen’s son, Griffin (Kyle Catlett) disconnected from the rest of his family as he plays a video game on his tablet because that’s the exact way I felt when watching this film–disconnected. There was never a moment where I felt as if I was invited in to watch a close knit family unravel as the supernatural begins to dominate their lives as was my experience with the original. In fact, the Bowens didn’t feel like a family at all, just random actors hired to stand and deliver lines.

I love Sam Rockwell but we was woefully miscast in this. Each time he was on screen, it appeared as if he culled the best parts of his better past characters (“Wild Bill” Wharton from The Green Mile in particular) rather than develop a character that would resemble anything like a father. The other actors don’t fare much better.

But I don’t blame them. I specifically find fault with the incredibly lazy effort that went into this version courtesy of the filmmakers*. There are so many inconsistencies in this tale that it left me bewildered, trying to figure out whether they chopped entire scenes or just didn’t give a damn about the overall story. I still wonder how one parent laid off from his job and the other a struggling writer can afford not one house, but two! They’re just snapping them up willy nilly I suppose. Also, there’s no slow burn as there was with the original. A few minutes in, we see things start to happen immediately**.

*Director Gil Kenan helmed a much better haunted house tale ten years ago with the exceptional animated film, Monster House. Go watch that instead. 

**I looked at the running times on each film. the 2015 version clocks in at 93 minutes while its predecessor is 21 minutes longer. That extra time makes a big difference, especially in terms of character development. Also, the remake felt as if it was longer because you just want it to be over.

The success of the original Poltergeist stemmed from the premise that this was a typical American family living in a typical suburban neighborhood. The Freeling Family could live next door or could be your own family for that matter. The Bowens? Well, they just move in and shit starts flying. We don’t get time to know them and god forbid they should have any human ties to anyone around them.

And maybe that’s what America has become–cold, isolated and lacking heart. Maybe the new Poltergeist accurately reflects how we are and that’s why it fails on every level. Give me the original any day. I still want to feel something, to be connected, and, most importantly, to be scared by a good horror film.

Poltergeist (2015) grade: D-

Poltergeist (1982) grade: A

Review: Phase IV (1974)

I’d first become familiar with Phase IV in the late 70s, a time when I would get my hands on anything remotely related to science fiction and horror films as my love of both genres began to kick into high gear. The film had been mentioned in a paperback focusing on sci-fi films and, with its “nature strikes back” premise of ants gaining intelligence, Phase IV seemed like something I would really enjoy. And, considering it was the only major film directed by Saul Bass (the man responsible for the most memorable opening title sequences in movie history with credits such as Psycho, North By Northwest, West Side Story and GoodFellas to his name), I was even more excited to see it. So, when it came on Turner Classic Movies several weeks ago, I knew I had to record it.

Turns out, Phase IV isn’t quite the classic I’d hoped for all these years.

Starring Nigel Davenport (A Man For All Seasons, Chariots of Fire), Michael Murphy (Cloak & Dagger, Manhattan) and Lynne Frederick (Voyage of the Damned, Schizo), Phase IV is a plodding film about ants developing a hive like mind thanks to some briefly mentioned “cosmic event”. Davenport and Murphy portray scientists who first seek to discover exactly what the ants are up to until finally attempting to destroy them before they overrun humanity. Frederick is the lone survivor of a local family who takes refuge with the two as the threat around them grows.

Had I seen Phase IV when I was younger, I might have had a better appreciation for it but I highly doubt it. Sure, it’s got some interesting imagery thanks to Bass’s influence, but it’s very slow and disjointed. Not much happens in its 84 minute running time, so even if you like movies with a slow burn, you’ll probably be as disappointed as I was. I get what message the film was trying to deliver (that the ants are preparing humanity for some future evolutionary development) but it’s a bit too trippy to do it successfully–especially if you watch the original ending.

Now that Phase IV became the latest in a string of duds I’ve endured over the last few months, it’s becoming more and more apparent that I should eschew a lot of these older films in lieu of…I don’t know…anything else. I truly love discovering old films regardless of whether they’re good, bad, “cult” classics or whatever but, as I get older, I have less time to devote to watching everything and therefore, have to be a little more discerning in my selections.

Phase IV grade: D+

Review: Night Train To Terror (1985)

There are two possible ways I might have enjoyed Night Train To Terror: if I had seen it with my high school friends back when it was released or if I was high as a kite right now.

Neither is the case.

As with The Haunted Dollhouse, the people behind Night Train To Terror took highly edited fragments of other films and used a wraparound story to “link” them. Oh, they also added in some terrible 80s music and dancing just for the hell of it (I’m absolutely certain some coked up wanna be “film” producers thought it would be an added selling point).

There was a time when I would have devoted more space to trash like this, but since the filmmakers didn’t give two shits, neither do I. Night Train To Terror is pure excrement.

Go ahead, watch it for yourself below. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I made it to 50 minutes. I guarantee you that you probably won’t make it beyond 10. I applaud you if you decide to turn it off immediately after the end of the train whistle and go live your life.

Night Train To Terror rating: F

 

Review: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

From the land of the original Santa Claus comes the Finnish film Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale which tells a very warped version of the Santa mythology.

When children and household items begin vanishing, locals suspect that an excavation team high upon the mountain is responsible. After dozens of reindeer are mutilated, the locals, who depend upon the animals for meat and money, are determined to have a little chat with the crew who have also disappeared. Instead, the locals discover a terrible horror being unearthed that will change what we all know about Santa’s true nature.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is a short, fun little film that’s decent late night viewing around the holidays. Is it a good film, though? Well, it’s ok. It kept me entertained, mostly during the second half where the majority of the action takes place. It’s a bit sluggish until the local men get to the top of the mountain and find out the secret behind the beloved Christmas myth of Santa.

I can’t say that, as a horror film, Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is successful on every level, but at a running time of less than an hour and a half, it’s worth checking out. It’s relatively well directed and acted and there’s some offbeat humor throughout that will elicit a few laughs (especially at the ending which is a nod to the film’s title).

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale grade: B-

Review: Prison (1988)

Decades after innocent prisoner Charlie Forsythe was executed, his long dormant malevolent spirit returns to haunt Eaton Sharpe (Lane Smith), the prison’s new warden–who just happens to be the guard responsible for sending Forsythe to the chair. Now every inmate and guard at the prison are fighting for their lives as the spirit wreaks bloody havoc, cutting a deadly swath in search of vengeance.

That description sounds great, right? Well, unfortunately that’s where the potential ends because Prison is a pretty terrible film borne out of a good idea.

Renny Harlin’s (Die Hard 2, Deep Blue Sea) first American effort is a clumsy horror film that doesn’t often make sense beyond the promising premise. It’s not that it’s wholly his fault because, based on the old adage, “you can’t make a good film out of a bad script”. And nothing proves that like Prison. It’s almost as if Harlin and the actors were handed a relatively solid idea but the studio or producers mucked it all up by meddling with elements of the story rendering it nearly unwatchable.

Stars Smith (My Cousin Vinny), Viggo Mortensen (A History of Violence) and much of the other cast admirably squeeze what they can out of the inane story but even they can’t save the film. Little moments in Prison will undoubtedly either make viewers scratch their heads in confusion or grind their teeth in anger. For some odd reason, prisoners can wear thick chains around their necks but a harmless paper Rambo poster is considered contraband. One of the prisoners is discovered to bear a striking resemblance to Forsythe–and no one even remarks on the rather outstanding coincidence, rendering the whole scene pointless.

The one saving grace in Prison is that it does contain effective kill sequences but that alone isn’t reason to sit through it. Avoid this one altogether.

Prison grade: D

 

Review: From A Whisper To A Scream (1987)

Also known as The Offspring, From a Whisper to a Scream stars horror vet Vincent Price (Theater of Blood, The Abominable Dr. Phibes) as Julian White, an historian who tells a reporter (Susan Tyrell) stories about the diabolical evil that permeates the small town of Oldfield, Tennessee. The film is presented in an anthology style with each tale set at different times in the town’s history and loosely connected by Price’s wraparound segment.

In the present day, Stanley Burnside (Clu Gulager, Feast, The Return of the Living Dead) has unrequited love for co-worker Grace that leads to murder…and the unexpected consequence of a bizarre tryst.

In the 1950s, small time crook Jesse Hardwick (Terry Kiser, Weekend at Bernie’s) is wounded and on the run from gangsters when he encounters a man who harbors a rather odd secret that Hardwick wants to share. Hardwick learns the reality of the old adage, “Be careful what you wish for.”

When a local girl falls in love with a glass eating carnival performer in the 1930s, she draws the ire of the Snakewoman (Rosalind Cash, The Omega Man) who gave the eater his “powers” and doesn’t want the act split up.

Finally, a Civil War Union regimen encounters a group of war orphaned children living alone in a farmhouse. They soon find out what gruesome fate they’re resigned to when they discover the kids are a little more adult in nature than they appear.

To my surprise, From a Whisper to a Scream exceeded my expectations as I went in thinking it was going to be just another 1980s low budget exercise in horror. However, it turned out to be a competent anthology and, while it doesn’t quite reach the level of quality of Creepshow or V/H/S 2, it’s not bad. The stories are all solid, if somewhat unspectacular, with some decent performances, average gore, and interesting twists.

There are far better anthologies out there than From a Whisper to a Scream, but there are a lot worse, too. While it doesn’t totally deliver on the scares, it’s a fun movie that’s great viewing on a rainy afternoon. If you go in prepared for nothing more than a pleasant little diversion, you’ll have a good time.

From a Whisper to a Scream grade: B-

Review: Spirit Stalkers (2012)

A quartet of intrepid ghost hunters from the once popular reality series Spirit Stalkers seek out an actual haunted house in the hopes of boosting their dwindling ratings. Enter Gloria Talman (co-producer P.J. Woodside), a divorced mother experiencing what she believes to be paranormal activity in her home. Is her house truly haunted or are the events a product of a disturbed mental state? And to what lengths will the Spirit Stalkers team go in order to save their series?

Frankly, I didn’t know what to expect from the film, but my initial reaction to the first few minutes of Spirit Stalkers was akin to my original viewing of the beginning to 1994’s Clerks. I thought “This is going to be an amateurish production so why should I invest my time in it?” However, like Clerks, Spirit Stalkers ended up surprising me as it turned out much better than anticipated.

Similar to the paranormal events lying behind the innocent facade of Gloria’s home, beneath Spirit Stalkers‘ raw, low budget production values lurks a rather compelling tale. Writer-director Steve Hudgins (who also stars as Reuben, the leader of the paranormal investigating team) injects some interesting twists and turns into what could have been a rather bland, by-the-numbers tale. There’s a surprising amount of character depth (especially with Reuben, but, hey, if you’re the writer, save the best stuff for yourself!) and background to the story that elevates Spirit Stalkers above films of similar ilk.

That’s not saying that the film is without flaws, though. While some viewers might take note of the quality of certain performances, I tend to overlook that when it comes to low budget filmmaking. Having been involved with various productions years ago, I can say from experience that you coax the best performance you can out of the cast you’ve chosen. More often than not, you’re fortunate enough to have friends and family donate their time to help you make your dream come true so you forge ahead to complete the project.

My two issues with Spirit Stalkers might be small and picky, but they consistently took me out of the experience during moments in the film.

The first issue was the odd decision to use a hand held camera both in the beginning when Gloria first starts experiencing the phenomenon as well as during other similar moments throughout. I naturally assumed that she was already being filmed for the series because of the manner in which the footage was shot. Obviously, that wasn’t the case and, as a result, it’s confusing for the viewer.

Second, some of the “dream” sequences and flashbacks were a little jarring due to the way in which they were either written or shot. While they both served to advance the two backstories of both the house and Reuben (rather successfully, I might add), they didn’t have the narrative impact they should have because they were, at times, virtually indistinguishable from the action of the tale in the present day.

Again, the glaring flaws I had trouble with might be considered nitpicking but I wouldn’t consider them a condemnation of the entire film. Instead, it’s more of an opportunity for Hudgins, Woodside and Big Biting Pig Productions to learn and grow and keep making enjoyable little horror films. I’ll definitely give them another look and encourage others to do so as well. Their movies remind me of the types produced during the video heyday of the 80s–and that’s definitely a compliment!

Spirit Stalkers grade: B-

Review: The Visitor (1979)

“Now listen to me Katie. Isn’t there something you want to tell me?” – Detective Jake Durham

“Yeah. Go fuck yourself!” – Katie Collins

Perhaps it’s this piece of dialogue that best represents the assumed dynamic between filmmaker and audience (with the latter being the detective and the former being Katie) because The Visitor is probably the most spectacular mess of a movie ever made and any attempt to make sense of it is futile.

The basic plot of The Visitor seems to revolve around the battle between good and evil with the soul of Katie Collins (the wonderful Paige Conner) hanging in the balance. I guess. I think Jerzy Colsowicz (John Huston) is some sort of alien/angel sent to draw her to the side of good but he does little more than skulk about and hold his hands on his hips throughout most of the film.

It also takes him an inordinate amount of time to descend a small staircase.

Had The Visitor been released earlier in the 70s, it would have most likely joined the ranks of famous “midnight movies” like The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Night of the Living Dead, Eraserhead and El Topo (the latter of which appears to have had the most influence on this film because that, too, was an incomprehensible mess). For some reason, however, The Visitor eluded that kind of success/notoriety and largely vanished for over 30 years.

It’s difficult to believe that a film as terrible as this would have drawn such an all star cast. Legendary directors such as Huston and Sam Peckinpah joined Hollywood vets (Mel Ferrer, Glenn Ford, Shelley Winters) and newcomers (Lance Henriksen) to try to inject some life into this dud, but even they can’t save it.

In one scene, housekeeper Jane Phillips (Shelley Winters, apparently working on the side of good) returns to the Collins home and assures Katie’s mother, Barbara (Joanne Nail), that she is there to protect her and won’t allow her to be harmed again.

Moments after the words come out of her mouth, the evil Katie whisks her mother away in her wheelchair and propels her through the aquarium. Nice job, Jane.

This lack of logic and sensibility is pretty much indicative of everything that transpires before and after this moment, making the film perfect fodder for something like Mystery Science Theater 3000 to pick apart (which, for some reason, they never did; I may have enjoyed the film a great deal more if that were the case).

I’d never seen (nor even heard of) The Visitor until recently, simply because it had disappeared from the public view. I almost wish it had remained that way.

The Visitor grade: D-